Sooooo yeah.  Once again I've fallen onto the fat wagon and desperately trying to get off.  I think I should start seeing a therapist again but ugh, yet another thing to have to work into my schedule.  Basic updates:

New roommates have their faults but overall are fantastic.

I'm broke as a joke...a really unfunny joke.

I'm in grad. school taking 5 courses.

I'm also working in a research lab on a thesis project.

I broke up with my pseudo-boyfriend.  Didn't go so well.  Took forever to really make him get the clue that I literally didn't really ever want to see him again...even after he confessed he was in love with me.  Ugh.  Not even worth getting into.

I'm super fat again.

That's about it in a nutshell.  So far today I haven't binged, per say, but I did eat some gummy bears I could have gone without for sure. 

So I'm fasting today and not even entirely by choice.  I have a blood test tomorrow.  It's been so hard to not eat for the past 1/2 day which astounds me.  I used to go 14+ days without eating a scrap of food.  Not even juice.  What has changed? 

I find myself wondering: Do I love myself more or less now?  Is overeating as self destructive emotionally/mentally as starving myself was physically?  I thought I missed feeling hungry but right now I'm miserable.  I used to thrive on it.  I remember laying in bed at night feeling my muscle twitch at my body ate itself alive.  I used to stay awake just to watch it.  Now I lay in bed and inspect the fat.  My hip bones stick out a lot when I lay on my back but that's only because my fat hangs away.  A week ago I weighed 40 pounds more than I did at my lowest "ED" weight.  I look at myself now and I believe I'm fat, for sure I am, but I don't see where I could lose 40 pounds so I start to wonder, was I too thin at 104?  I'm 5'4".  I felt amazing at 104 although I remember the night C and I had a very candid and angry conversation where I admitted to I wanted to lose just 15 more pounds.  He asked me where I thought it would come from and I very meticulously told him 5 pounds from my thighs, 5 from my arms and 5 from my stomach.  I believed it.  Now I'd kill just to lose 10 pounds.  I was happier with myself when I was starving so why can't I at least get back to normal eating?  My therapist thinks I should see a nutritionist.  I'm pretty sure my insurance would not cover that. 

I'm having a blood test tomorrow and seeing my doctor about my swollen lymph nodes.  Four in my neck have been swollen, hard and painful for at least 5 years.  In college I was told, "well if it were something life threatening you'd be dead by now". Gee thanks.  Cut to 3 years later the node in my left arm pit is enlarged.  Fantastic.  Best case scenario I have them removed so they stop bothering me 24/7.  Worst case I have cancer which for me is a death sentence because I don't believe in treating cancer.  I've never had cancer or known anyone who had it so my feeling on the subject might change entirely but I just feel like it's mother nature trying to get control of our out of control population.  It saddens me to think of all the waste created and energy consumed in cancer research and treatment.  I wouldn't ever want that to by my legacy.  I'd rather live out my time the best I can and just accept the fact that everyone's time on earth in limited.  I would just have the novelty of knowing how I'm going to die and about how long I have left.  That very well may be a gift.

played a super fun boardgame with some friends tonight.  i never come close to winning but i don't care.  spendid time. margaret and drew baked me a pie! nom didn't do so well food wise.  earlier in the day i did ok.  i barely ate a piece of vegan heart thrive.  then went to brunch with jessica and katy.  south western egg burrito.  didn't eat the whole thing.  had 1/4 of serving hash browns. two coffees with half and half no sugar. walked around a ton and shopped. then it went down hill.  i had a apple.  then i had a ton of potato chips two slices of pizza slice of pie.  but i'm done eating for tonight but i am going to drink a lot more although we're currently in a boil water state of emergency.  gigantic water pipe leak.  2 millions gallons of water an hour being dumped out.  absolutely tragic.